At the risk of stepping into a minefield… one of the most frequent questions couples ask me in marriage counseling is, ‘How often should we be having sex? What is a healthy sex life?’ Statistics show the present realities as follows:

• Couples under the age of 24 have sex an average of 132 times per year (every 2-3 days).
• Married couples under 30 have sex about 111 times per year (2-3 times per week).
• Married couples in general have sex with their spouse 58 times per year, or a little more than once a week on average.
• About 15% of married couples have not had sex with their spouse in the last six months to one year.

I met with a couple recently that has been married for five years. I asked them about their sex life. “How often are you guys connecting physically?” I asked. She said, “Once a week.” I looked over and asked him if this was true, as in my experience, for a variety of reasons, woman don’t always have an accurate read on this question, but men know. “Once a month, maybe,” he said. There is obviously a large gap between 52 times per year and 12 times per year. We got into why she was not attracted or available to him, and there were legitimate things he had to work on in regards to communication, help around the house, etc.

It was important for her to hear that if sex is not a regular occurrence, however, especially for men, they are finding it elsewhere – usually in pornography or habitual masturbation. I find that often both genders are not all that informed about how the opposite gender works sexually. The biblical exhortation to make sure married couples are giving one another their ‘conjugal rights’ (1 Cor. 7) is an amazing and positive challenge to the sad state of sex in marriages in western culture.

Unfortunately, among Christians there are often consequences for going too far (adultery, pre-marital sex, etc.), but none for not going far enough (abstaining for too long, punishing a spouse by withholding sex). In reality, not going far enough is just as unbiblical. Even the Puritans, who are known as some of the most conservative Christians to ever have lived, recognized the joys of sex and the dangers of infrequency. There was a case among the Puritans where a man was excommunicated from the church and put under church discipline because he refused to have sex with his wife for 2 years.

While there is no Bible verse telling us how often we should be aiming to have sex, and every couple has nuanced experiences, and situations that arise, for an average, healthy married couple I have found Martin Luther’s goal to be helpful and practical for the couples I work with: “Twice a week seems to be enough to stave off the Tempter” he said. And for most people, it is a goal worth shooting for.

Of course if there are season of pregnancy, sickness, disability, separation, conflict, travel, etc., that don’t allow for this to be the case we are not to hold it over our spouses, but work together to get to a healthy place, where both parties are inspired to come together regularly.